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Thursday: Battle On!

Thu May 30, 2013, 2:49 PM

We're nearing the end of the month already! :wow: Time really flies.

This week, we're calling on all Premium Members who are also secret agents, especially trained in various combat styles. We have a special assignment for you! :ninja:

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to defeat your evil next-door neighbor. He isn't just any ol' neighbor -- this man has laser-shooting eyes, a wind tunnel in his abdomen, four arms loaded with deadly poison, and porcupine-like spikes protruding from his back. And he hasn't given you back your lawn mower you lent him a month ago! :omfg:

Not to worry! You have your trusty three weapons with you, which are:

:bulletred: A bucket of modeling clay
:bulletred: An orange
:bulletred: A broom

Using these three items, how would you take down your opponent? Be creative and tell us your heroic tale!

Either write your story as a comment to this journal or post it as a literature deviation and link it in the comments below. Any length is fine!

We'll pick three winners who will receive a one-year Premium Membership! Winners will be chosen based on inclusion of the three items, creativity, and ingenuity. All entries must be in by Tuesday, June 4th at 11:59 PM Los Angeles, CA, time.

You've finally had enough of the laser-holes in your apartment and porcupine spines in the lawn, and it's time to take on your neighbor head-to-head. What do you do? How does the battle go down?! We want to know!

Add a Comment:
minnichi Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Okay... I've literally discovered this less than two hours before the deadline. But hey, I like writing! pressure. Dunno where this is gonna go, but here goes! xD


Teachers often recognize even their laziest students for none other than creativity. When they stop to think of how interesting that wild homework-excuse story was, for example, they realize that this kid's actually capable of coming up with some brilliant ideas. Just not at the right place, and not at the right time.

My excuse - which brought back almost as much praise for creativity as punishment, mind you - was: "My evil, wind tunnel-bellied, porcupine-backed neighbor disintegrated my homework with his eye-laser beams."

There's kind of a problem with all that praise I got, you know. Fun fact: I'm not creative at all. If I were, then I wouldn't be sitting up in my cramped, smelly apartment, grumbling grouchy gibberish under my breath like my grandma as I yank out 5 more cursed needles that got tangled into my hair. My hair itself wouldn't look like the atomic bomb of fashion disasters, with random portions of it singed short with grey, decaying patches while other portions are long, sleek black and kind of resemble what it used to look like. All my shirts wouldn't look like gangly fishnets with the amount of holes they've gathered. Finally, my homework wouldn't be a pitiful pile of ashes.

Oh, and of course: I wouldn't have an evil, eye-laser-shooting, wind tunnel-bellied, porcupine-backed neighbor if I were actually creative. Wish I could actually say that I came up with that one myself, but... Surprise, he's real!

Not that it matters to anyone else. I know you'll just see the same thing as my professors, too, if you come across me. I'm apparently that girl who annoyingly makes a point of being "unique" at school. Seriously, isn't she trying a *little* too hard with that whole patchy-hair, fishnet-shirt look? But gotta admit, she's pretty creative. Haven't you heard some of her stories?

(Sigh) Well alright, I'll tell you my darn story. I am a warrior. A survivor. A victim of the greatest crime ever to be committed against front-door lawns: the theft of a lawn mower. And nobody knows.

...Until today.

I've had enough enough hair burnt off by flying acidic poison. I've had more splinters than I can count in a lifetime. And god dangit, I want to know how it feels to wear a wholesome shirt again! I feel like a hobo - a psycho-looking one at that. And it's all thanks to my wonderful, four-armed neighbor. He's just gotta go.

He took everything from me. Slowly and gradually over the years, he reduced not only my apartment to a freakish alien of society, but me as well. I don't really remember when he moved in, only that everything started turning ugly when he did. Like how none of the squirrels and birds that used to hang around ever came back. (Some of them fell on me while I was walking to school, actually, during his target practice.) Or how more and more rain would leak into my room every time it stormed, due to the growing number of holes in the wall. And finally, my transformation into the weird-fashion-gone-horribly-wrong girl at school.

That guy does it all just to mess with me. He's pure evil.

The lawn mower was the last straw. My grass felt like the last thing I could still keep beautiful in my life, the last simple thing that I could make nice and attractive, with just a clean trim. And then porcupine-back somehow convinced another idiot neighbor of mine one day that I was okay with lending him the lawn mower.

Okay, so he can technically kill me anytime with one belly-thrust of a wind tunnel. Or just a bit of poison coming into contact with my skin. But I don't care anymore. He's going down. I want my trimmed grass back - well, and all of those other things in my life that turned ugly. Anyway, he's going down.


Gah, I have too much of a bad habit of rambling introductions!!! I'm out of time and the battle was just about to begin T_T But I had so much fun writing just this much...thought I might as well post it anyway, even if it doesn't count. I think I'll just finish the rest for the heck of it, it was such a good prompt. Good luck to everyone who got their entries done in time! :)
minnichi Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
(Finishing the story anyway, just so that it doesn't end up randomly cut off ^^")

How exactly am I going to do this? Well, uh... There's this bucket of squishy-looking modeling clay that somehow survived all the laser attacks in my apartment. A rotten orange that I forgot about in the fridge. And that old broom I use to sweep out all the debris that gathers every time he lasers off more chunks of my apartment.

That's seriously all I have left. Okay, so the situation's a lot worse than I thought. I glance back down at huge blob of modeling clay resting in its bucket. Why do I even have that thing again? Oh, art professor found a better brand of clay and decided to offer her supply of old stuff to me - you know, after hearing about how oh-so-creative I was and encouraging me to try exploring my artistic interests more. Right.

Actually, I've got an idea now. If it's 'creativity' everyone wants, then fine. It's creativity they'll get.


What porcupine-back sees on the internet several weeks later is the new viral character taking over himself. Or rather, an extremely ridiculous, comical version of himself that no one could ever take seriously. His round, wind-tunnel belly is made out of the moldy, rotting remains of an orange, with the biggest patch of fuzzy mold marking where the tunnel is. His four, noodle-y arms of modeling clay look so stupid the way they flop about, along with his short, pudgy legs. And his face - oh, his face. It's perfectly atrocious the way the bristles of a broom have been arranged into very unattractive facial hair, sticking out of the modeling clay like wilted weeds. The clay-face itself is so contorted, so hideous... The fans just love it. After all, it shares the same, attention-grabbing magic as the legendary Troll Face.

He's become an internet star. And his first reaction? Storming into my apartment for the very first time in his life. Because evil people *always* have huge, incurable egos that they value with their lives - and because villains never go face-to-face with you until the very end, when you finally get under their skin.

"I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT!" The raging scream echoes throughout the apartment complex, almost rattling the walls with its volume.

I can see myself being lasered to death any second, but I somehow find the courage to speak. "What're you gonna do about it?" I wish I were actually confident as I sounded, but hopefully he bought it.

"FIX IT!" yells porcupine-back, pointing viciously at the laptop sitting a few feet away from me.

"Or what?"

"I'll kill you!"

Gotta keep calm. Not sure how much longer he can hold back his lasers. I take a deep breath and reply boldly, "But if you kill me, how can it ever be undone? I won't be alive anymore to create another, even better viral character that the fans can like more than you, and you'll just be a timeless legend...forever...and ever..." I can't help wanting to laugh as the horror contorts his face. "Tell ya what. I'll stop posting deviations of this work (altered versions of the same rotten-orange creature in my case), and I'll discourage all of its fanart from now on. I'll try my best to create another 'fad' that could distract the fans instead. But only if you agree to one thing."

He narrows his laser-eyes at me. "Oh?"

"Give me my lawn mower back."

Porcupine-back snorts. Apparently my demands ended up being a lot less than he expected. He shrugs as all four arms lift slightly into the air. "Sure, have your little rusty hunk of metal back. But you *will* fix this."

I smile pleasantly. "That's the plan! And here, I'll even give you my current artwork so that you can make sure I never use it again." I reach out to him with none other than the viral, rotten creation in my palm.

He leans closer to it for a moment before reaching out one of his own hands, as if he still can't believe anyone would create something so hideous and disgraceful to represent him.

Right when he's close enough, however, I slam the whole thing - mold, squishy clay, broom bristles and all - right into his face. More specifically, right into his eyes. Because heck no, my lawn mower's not enough for me anymore. This guy's going down.

Porcupine-back screams out in agony (I guess the colonies of bacteria that gathered on the orange for so long really must sting) as he staggers backwards, too disoriented from the unexpected pain to think about anything else for a moment. Taking a daring leap of faith - literally and mentally - I use that fleeting moment of time to tackle him straight to the ground. I don't have any time to feel my body hitting the floor after his. I have to force myself back to my feet and run for my life as soon as he's down. Because the acid-poison starts shooting in all directions in no time. I barely jump behind my side-turned apartment table in time (which I already set up purposely beforehand as a shield) and curl up like a small child as his rage continues to wreck havoc upon the room. Then I hear the deafening howl that marks the release of a wind tunnel, and I'm positive that I'll die. The crash of the air doesn't strike my little table-shield though. It tears a hole through the ceiling instead.

...No way. It worked?

I slowly peer past the edge of my shield when Porcupine-back eventually grows too tired to continue shooting more wind tunnels at the sky. Sure enough, he's been lying flat on his back this entire time. Because the moment I tackled him to the ground, his spikes got stuck in my floor. He's blinded by rotten orange, and he looks quite useless the way he is right now. Something I'd never thought possible.

Well, I won't elaborate on the details of how I finish off this abominable neighbor, though it may have involved a leftover metal bucket and broomstick. He's not coming back - let's just keep it at that. But I suddenly have my whole normal life back, and it even comes with a lawn mower. I guess all it takes to win a fight is a little bit of wit, and... Huh. Maybe I'm more creative than I thought.

"And that's the story of how Minnichi became a deviant artist."


Okay, that turned so random XD But well, that was fun.
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Entry: [link]
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lolz, and you said I was tough competition? ;) Very nice, I think you're definitely in the running to become one of the three winners. Good luck! :)
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I still think yours is good enough to do the same!
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, am keeping my fingers crossed for the both of us :)
StarfallenWolf Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yay! I finished my story! Hope you like : [link]

zightie Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013   General Artist
Decided to enter. :giggle:
PrincessSkyler Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i would do this but 1 i am too lazy 2 not a member soooooooooooooooooooooooo idk.

p.s my neighbor is bowser *shot*
Darqx Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You'd think that a neighbour with laser-shooting eyes, a wind tunnel in his abdomen, four arms loaded with deadly poison, and porcupine-like spikes protruding from his back would warrant some kind of a SWAT team or the guys from Area 51 or at least an army from every country beating down his door, but not in this neighbourhood. See, over here that kind of thing is more or less normal.

Because almost everybody that lives here is a super villain. If you're not, well you either got used to it very fast or you moved out...very fast.

Anyway when you live amongst these guys long enough you learn strategies to cope with their eccentricities. Take my aforementioned next door neighbour for example. The dude's had my lawnmower for a month (you do not say no to these people sometimes) and doesnt seem inclined to give it back. Others might run in guns-ablaze in such a situation - seen it happen just a block away, in fact - but me? I know when i'm severely outmatched in the weapons department - all i've got on hand at the moment is a bucket of modelling clay, an orange, and a broom.

So like i said you learn strategies. And the most common factor about most evil super villains is that they have an ego the size and depth of the Java trench. Good thing i've got a big bucket of modelling clay. And this broom will come in handy for the base structure. The orange can add a bit of colour and texture.

It took me a couple of days of work and the courage to politely knock on his door, but my neighbour was all too happy to swap my lawnmower for my almost life-size creation.

After all, what super villain could ever resist a sculpture of themselves to put out in the garden?

I give it a week before someone else gets aggravated and destroys it, prompting an all out war and another house going up for sale.
MaLAgua Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Okay then. I would show up to the front door under the pretext to brush off his front door using the broom. First talk to him, being affably innocent and friendly convince him it is the best choice, and convincing robots is easy as long as you have the logic upper hand. Right before the door closes, i roll the orange to prevent it from closing, while at the same time making sure the orange is fully squeezed, leaving a puddle of juice down so he doesn't notice. If he notices, i offer to clean it, thus letting myself in. If he doesn't, I keep on cleaning and sneak in. I go over to his garage to steal my lawnmower (haha!) Then I run, by this time, the robot must've realized this and chases me. But upon opening the door, the bucket of clay falls on his head, and thanks to his laser eyes (Which he'll probably use to fire first) the clay will harden, thus trapping his head in the bucket. In the confusion he will try to take a step forth and skip on the orange juice puddle (and if it doesn't do the trick, ill use the broom to have him trip), which is when he'll activate the wind tunnel (since he can't target me to use the poison darts), which will be aiming up to his own house. I will just sit back and watch his house collapse over him.
Shadow696 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I would first make orange juice to spray on his arms and let the citric acid cancel the poison.
Then I would make super strong boxing like gauntlets from the modeling clay to bash him into the ground and brake his spikes.
And finally I would use the broom to sweep his dusty remains from the floor and into the now empty clay bucket.
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Kara's log, entry 5151

I had broken one of my own rules : never lend someone your tools. My neighbour had seemed harmless enough at first, a little pitiful even.
He always hid his eyes behind dark shades, which led me to believe he might have been visually impaired. It would be a few weeks after I had moved into my house that I would discover the true nature of his "ailment".
I had also noticed how he never seemed to wear the same shirt twice, and there appeared
to be two extra appendages on his torso, but I dismissed the latter and wrote it off to an over-active imagination.
It was a fortnight after I had first settled in my new place that I heard the doorbell ring.
He introduced himself as James Darrigan, shook my hand and welcomed me to the neighbourhood.After a few minutes of polite conversation, he inquired about the possibility of borrowing my lawnmower, as his was in need of repairs.
I hesitated at first, but for some reason I felt a certain sympathy towards him, and gave in after a while.
A week later I decided to pay him a visit myself, since I hadn't heard from him and I was keen on getting my mower back. I knocked on the door and waited for him to open it.
When he finally answered my knock, he was grumpy and very uncooperative to say the least.
We argued back and forward a bit and eventually I got the door slammed in my face.
The situation escalated quite quickly from there : I would hang up some sheets in my backyard to dry, and would find them riddled with scorch marks or holes burned straight through. It was a mystery how they had gotten there, until I caught Darrigan sneaking back into the house, chuckling like a five year-old who stole a cookie and was convinced he had gotten away with it.
When I finally had had enough, I went back to his house to confront him. I was not entirely prepared for what happened next : as I made my way to his front door, I was greeted by a grinning Darrigan...and a barrage of flying spikes, that he shot out of his back.
I frantically scrambled out of harm's way, back to the safety of my own home.
There I took a moment to catch my breath and devise a game plan. Unusual battles require unusual tactics and weaponry : luckily "unusual" was what I did best.
I gathered my not so everyday arsenal : an orange, a bucket of modelling clay, and my trusted broom. I cut the orange in half for the purpose I had in mind, tied the broom on my back and grabbed the bucket in one hand as I headed out to confront my lawnmower-leeching nemesis.
The moment I stepped through the doorway, I nearly got hit by a searing blast of lase- light, which I managed to avoid, just barely. That was it, this Cyclops wannabe was about to get the beating of a lifetime.
I grabbed the orange halves in one hand, my bucket in the other and zig-zagged my way closer to Darrigan, dodging the deadly laser beams. When I finally got close enough I swung the bucket against his face, dazing him for a moment and making him stumble. Pinning him down I squeezed orange juice in his eyes. He screeched, writhing in agony as the liquid made the lasers fizzle and smoke and die. Before I could make my next move I was suddenly and quite literally blown away by a strong burst of air, which seemed to come from his abdomen.
We both hurried back to our feet. Although my orange-attack had successfully disabled his death rays, it did not leave him completely blinded. Angry and with a renewed fervour he tried to blow me off my feet again, as I blinked in amazement at what could only be described as a wind tunnel in the middle of his stomach area!
I wanted to get closer again, to somehow block the wind tunnel, but as I tediously slowly made my way towards him, I saw two extra arms unfold. I could hardly believe it : extra limbs, a wind tunnel, lasers...What was next : a Justin Bieber Banshee Scream - attack?!
His four arms were oozing with some sort of a liquid gel, dripping onto the pavement and making it fizzle on contact. Suddenly being at a safe distance didn't seem like such a bad thing after all.
I back away a little, taking shelter behind a small wooden fence. I took my broom and mumbled "sorry mate", as I proceeded pulling out the brush hairs. They were not hairs at all really, just very well disguised acupuncture needles that would come in very handy.
In order to use them though, I would have to get close enough to him, which meant dealing with the wind tunnel first. I took the modelling clay out of the bucket, tucked it into my many pockets and then came out of my shelter.
I edged closer to Darrigan, holding the broomstick stretched out in front of me. He laughed,
watching me struggle as I made my way towards him inch by inch. Finally I was near enough to strike. Darrigan grabbed the broom with his four hands and gave me a mocking grin. I merely held on, smiled, and jammed one end of the broomstick into the wind tunnel, feeling the wood splinter as it jammed the propeller inside. The sudden lack of wind almost made me lose my footing, if not for the support the broom still offered me. I broke off the handle, sliding it back onto my back. Darrigan swung at me with all his arms at once. I skilfully dodged every single punch and blow, making sure at the same time to avoid contact with the venomous substance still dripping from his flesh. As I spun and weaved, I strategically placed my acupuncture needles on certain pressure points.
Darrigan, laughing still, bellowed " You're tickling me little one!!", unaware of the effect said tickling would have in just a few moments. A few minutes into the scrimmage his limbs at first started to move as if very heavy and cumbersome, then their motion froze completely.
"What have you done you little pest?! I'll make a skewer out of you!!"
He turned his back on me and shot out huge spikes, trying to give me some less than fashionable piercings. Again I proceeded my ducking and dodging pattern, digging into my pockets for the bits of modelling clay stashed away in there. Every time I could I stuffed some of that clay into an empty spike-hole, blocking it and keeping it from refilling.
Gradually I managed to stuff him like a Christmas turkey, making yet another one of his weapons useless.
There we stood, face to face, panting...Darrigan's face darkened....then he lumbered towards me, picking up speed and letting out what kept the middle between a battle cry and a guttural troll grunt. I pulled the broomstick from behind my back and held it out last minute, making Darrigan rush into it, the splintery wood penetrating his flesh and heart.
Darrigan looked at me in disbelief. "How...?"
I leaned in closer and whispered " Next time, just hand over the damn lawnmower", and dropped his lifeless body to the floor.
I sat down on my front lawn, pulling up my legs and wrapping my arms around them. I pulled out some grass, crushing it between my palms and fingers...and grinned as I thought about how much I actually resented mowing the lawn.
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I can guarantee that you'll be tough competition.
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much :D Ah, we'll see. I just love writing so much...Which is pretty funny seeing as my last name (I'm from Belgium) means "the writer" in Dutch....I am not kidding! :)
I wonder if when you win this you can gift the membership to someone...Would be a hard decision to make though, there is so much talent here on DeviantArt! :o
But thx again for the positive feedback, I appreciate it very muchos! :)
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, I'm a writer too. I got started in eighth grade with a thirty-some-page "short story". When I looked back on it, it was hard to believe that I wrote it. Lol. I started rewriting that, but not too much progress there. (At this rate, it's probably going to be ten times as long.) My other project is a fanfic of Dizzy from the Guilty Gear series of fighting games. It centers around her past, before Guilty Gear X (the second game), because there's so little info on that front. I just got over the first year and it's already eighty-four pages.
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sounds like an interesting read. :) I must admit I'm not familiar with the Guilty Gear X games, doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy reading a well-written story inspired by it though.
I'm working on several projects as well, I just should find more time still to just focus on writing and make some more progress. :)
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm not surprised. I don't know anyone IRL that knew of it before I told them. And my friends here on dA are the same way.
That's one reason why I'm glad that I graduated. Now I can work on my story!
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, put up a draft of it once you have like a chapter finished maybe? I'm going to put you on my watch list, that way I'll get an alert when you post something new. Am pretty curious what that story is about now. :)
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I've been wanting to upload it for a while. As I said, there's eighty-four pages (single-spaced), so I definitely have more than a chapter. However, I never actually divided it into chapters, and I'm somewhat unsure of where I should cut it. I'll probably try doing that later on.
RavenSoeng Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Student General Artist
That is EPIC
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thx a lot, glad you like it. :D Think I may have gone a little overboard with this, but the premise itself was over the top as well ^^
RavenSoeng Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Student General Artist
Thats true either way its waaaay better than mine ^-^
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Mine is just more elaborate, not necessarily better. :) I quite like your wind tunnel solution actually, very good take on it and smart thinking. :) I wish you the best of luck, seeing as you're a new member it would be pretty sweet for ya if you landed a premium membership right now,bazinga! :)
RavenSoeng Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you, best of luck you too ^-^

*loves bbt reference*
x-Spottypath-x Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
vanmall Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The cat! Use the cat! :lol:

It so reminds me whose line is it anyway. :)
rachcedillo Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
1400 hours and I hear my lawn mower come to life next door as I cut the orange in half in my kitchen. I grab a juicer and make some juice, filling a small glass with plenty of ice. I keep the other half in my pocket. Before leaving my house, I take the broom and the bucket of clay, ready to claim what's rightfully mine.

As I stand on my neighbor's sidewalk, I watch as he works on his perfectly manicured lawn. I glance at my lawn and my eye twitches because it looks like a battleground. But all that is about to change.

"Hey, neighbor. Have some refreshing orange juice on this hot day!" I give my best smile, luring my nemesis. I try not to smirk as he walks over, licking his lips and completely ignoring my weapons at the prospect of something cold.

As soon as he takes the drink from my hand, I use the broom's handle and stab his gut, making him drop the glass and keel over the floor with two of his arms cradling his wind tunnel abdomen in pain. Then I quickly sweep dust into his laser-shooting eyes, making them shoot aimlessly for a second before his two other arms cover his eyes.

I run for it and make my way towards my mower, knowing I only have a few seconds before-

"It's not going to be that easy!" My neighbor yells.

I look back and he's wobbling to stand up. His eyes are red in irritation, and at least his lasers won't work anymore. His abdomen is already sucking in a gust of wind and he starts to charge at me. I hurl the clay to block the tunnel. He curses and shouts, starting to flex his biceps. And I use the broom's handle to break his four poisonous arms in the joints. But before he burns me frantically, I jam the other orange half in my pocket into his mouth and knock his head with the empty bucket until he passes out. For the final touch, I flip him over his back and stand on him to make the spikes on his bag dig deep enough into the earth to keep him where he is.

I count to ten to make sure the job is done before I make my way to my lawn mower. I turn off its engine and start pushing it towards my home and into my shed. Tomorrow, my yard will see better days. The grass is starting to look greener already.
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The Defeat of the Deadly Creepy Neighbor Who Stole My Lawnmower In a Story That Obviously Has Far Too Long of a Title

I walked to the end of my yard. The only difference now between the two was that my grass was growing up past my ankles and brushing against my shins, while my neighbor's lawn was clean cut. I rolled my eyes at that; that was the whole reason I was here, after all. With a determined deep breath, I took the confident first step across my lawn into his, but the monster man came running out of his house faster than you can say "That's not apple juice" in a nasal New York accent (haha :giggle: The Nanny pun :XD: I had to!)

"What are you doing here?" my neighbor hissed, green laser eyes glowing brightly. I gulped noticeably.

"I- I want my lawn mower back!" I tried to shout confidently, but I'm pretty sure it came out like a squeak. The monster laughed menacingly and placed all four arms on his hips.

"Well you're not getting it back. What can you possibly do about it?" I glanced to my right, where a bucket full of moist clay, a thick broom, and yesterday's snack: an orange, were leaning against my house's siding.

"This!" I shouted triumphantly, leaping over and grabbing the broomstick, jumping back through the air toward my neighbor, who seemed surprise by the sudden attack. I hit at all four arms with the broom, and thankfully he was as slow as an old man at a bingo game. He tried to grab at the nuisance and was too bothered by it to think of using his laser vision or conveniently built-in wind tunnel. Formulating a plan as I wacked at his arms, I glanced back over at the orange and smiled, fighting my way toward it and spearing it with the broom's end. With a jump into the air I flung it up and caught it with my left hand, turning as I fell toward the ground again and squirting the juice as hard as I could at the two green eyes that were beginning to glow brightly with rage. The monster man screamed and fell back, getting himself stuck in the ground by the spikes protruding from his back. With a smile I reached for the bucket and dropped the clay right into the wind tunnel of an abdomen, sticking the bucket over his head and tapping it hard with the broom for good measure.

With a laugh and a skip toward the man's shed, I grabbed my lawn mower and fled toward my own backyard, where I safely stored it away and went inside to drink tea with my British bird, Snookie.

Sipping on my coffee, I glanced out the window one last time at my grumpy old neighbor, Burt. He was trudging along once again with that darn lawn mower of mine, just finishing up on his yard. Of course I viewed him as this nasty monster, but he didn't have to know that.

"Not worth the effort," I muttered, turning away and back to my computer.
KalteEinsamkeit Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist

The british bird... :icongilbirdplz::iconplusplz::iconiggybrowsplz:?
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
KalteEinsamkeit Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That was all I was thinking XD

Bet you'll win this! Mine failed so epically :D Plus it was based on Christmas :rofl:
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
psh I wish I could win :XD:
KalteEinsamkeit Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:hug: you will!
TheWritingDragon Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
aww thanks! :aww:
Lady-Darkstreak Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
i would throw the orange at my neighbour and it would get stuck on his spines. while he tried to reach for the orange his arms will have lifted to expose his weak point at the side of his ribs.
using the broom which i have modled a clay spear head onto, i will throw it at this weak spot. punchering through side and into his heart! a victory dance as my enemy falls and i am able to take back what is mine. but first, i retrieve the orange and eat it.
for they are yummy and should not go to waste
WintersRead Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Photographer
One day, while this dastardly neighbor is mowing his extensive lawn, I will sneak into his house with seven oranges and the modeling clay. He can't hear anything above the noise, and will take at least two hours in touching up the pride of his estate (the grounds).

Once inside, I place everything in a closet near the exit (to keep from giving myself away should he take a rest). Then, I search his large house for all his brooms. He prefers wooden, traditional brooms, and periodically buys new ones every month or so.

Once I have these, I strip the twigs from each of them, and make a pile. Then, I peel the oranges, saving both peels and centers. The modeling clay, I form into six medium blocks.

The modeling clay blocks (which are grey-ish) are placed at random intervals throughout the floor level of the house. I take the twigs and form a crude string of fuses leading to each block.

After placing an orange between each block and fuse-tip, and one at the fuse's start, I wait for the neighbor to return.

When he enters and notices me, I pull out the saved orange peel and caution him. Taking one of his many wall-mounted candles, I squeeze the orange peel beside it, and the spraying citrus sparks and flares the fire. Having shown this, I indicate the oranges, fuse, and fake c4 nearby. Moving towards the first orange, he flinches and motions for me to stop.

I do, for a moment. He knows what I want, and will have to return it if he wants to save his estate. As I move again, he finally relents and vows to return it.

As I rode back in the lawn mower, I laughed to imagine his anger at the fake tools.
Edgars-Apprentice Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Writer
I'd use the broom to break off his spikes, cut the orange in half, jam them in his eyes, and create binds with the clay and traps his deadly arms. Finally, I'd stick the bucket in his chest, blocking the vacuum. I'd then reclaim my amazingly majestic lawnmower and fly into the sunset on my liger.
RavenSoeng Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student General Artist
Now most next-door neighbors are fine, but some like the guy who lives next to me are just plain EVIL!
And just HOW do I know that he is evil, you ask, well a month ago I loaned him MY lawnmower AND HE STILL HASN'T RETURNED IT...oh and he has laser vision, four poisonous arms, a wind tunnel tummy, and porcupine quills on his back. This morning I got up and found I had several more peepholes in my door than what had been originally installed and that my daily newspaper had been shredded by those stupid spikes that he leaves all over my yard, but the absolutely FINAL STRAW was when I was having my midmorning cup of Ginseng tea(the last bit of ginseng tea I had) and out of nowhere laser-beam destroys it before I'd even had my first sip! THIS means WAR!!!

At five am, I took stock of my remaining possessions and found a broom, an orange, and a rather nice, rather large, bronze bucket of modeling clay. Now I had noticed that after eating my neighbors wind tunnel would close, presumably because his stomach did not wish to expel its contents, so I put the orange to the side for him and set about working on what to do next. I took the modeling clay and plastered the side of my house where he liked to lean while eating, put the orange on his doorstep where he would see it, checked the time it was 5:45 (he gets up at 6 to terrorize my yard), grabbed the bronze bucket and my broom and scurried up into the tree by the side of my house with the extra-sticky modeling clay. I didn't have to wait long. As soon as he leaned into the clay he was stuck and his wind tunnel (since he had just eaten the orange) was closed, I waited until he tried using his arms to free himself and then letting out a wild war cry swooped out of the tree on my broomstick and dropped the bronze bucket and his head with a satisfying CLANG!
I then flew on my broomstick over to his yard where he had gotten out my lawnmower to use (after he'd finished ruining my lawn of course) slipped the handle over the back of my broom, retrieved my bronze bucket, and quickly left town.
Firebolt28 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Filmographer
Put the clay in the orange food poison and give to the man then smack him with broom and kill him
Elalition Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The beauty of clay is that it can be diluted very thinly.

I'd invite him over to share some fruit, give him an orange.

Then I'll sneak up behind him while he is in the kitchen. Stun him with the broom handle, the length of the broom thankfully gives me enough reach to avoid his spines. He of course does not go down in one hit, so I have to bludgeon him with an increasingly splintered solid wood broom handle repeatedly. Once he is either to weak to fight back or unconcious, I'd tie him to a post. Put a large tub next to him, and put his head in it.

Then I'd drown the bastard in the tub slowly filling with clay-water, clogging his lungs with the mineral-heavy liquid.

I'd then steal his wallet because he's been blowing lasers in my walls and I want compensation.
kitatora Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Darn. I'm not premium anymore, but I am trained in a 1,800 year old Ansatsuken. So I'm going to say this just for fun. :XD:

First off, I would eat the orange. Because really, oranges are tasty. Then I put the peels in my pocket. Then, as the world's deadliest janitor, I would keep the broom in reserve, because after my laser-eyed rival picked a fight with me, I would need it after throwing him through a few brick walls. I have no use for modeling, clay, so I give it to my little brother.

We meet out in the driveway, and the battle then begins. It would seem, because he has poison, laser eyes a wind tunnel and porcupine spikes, that he has the advantage. But we all know that how things seem, and how they truly are, are two very different things. He starts out with his laser eyes, but I easily sidestep, and before he can adjust where he's looking, the lasers cut through a good portion of my car, before hitting the side-view mirror and reflecting towards him. He's temporarily flustered and now wounded. Taking advantage of this opening, I land a flurry of blows in on his chest, avoiding provoking the wrath of his wind tunnel in his stomach.

Not to be outdone, he quickly retaliates by attacking with his poison-filled arms, but I have already anticipated this and I leap out of reach. Predictably, he attacks with his lasers again, but I kick up dust from the driveway into his eyes, blinding him. I slide forward and raise one leg into a high kick, making contact with the side of his head. He loses his balance and falls. Before he can get up, I take advantage of his dazed state and break his arms, rendering them useless. To muffle his screaming, I stuff his mouth full of orange peels. Using the broom, I sweep him into the road, where he is promptly run over by a semi, finishing him off for good.

Never again do I or my neighbors suffer the indignity of having our belongings riddled with lasers, porcupine quills, or having them sucked into an endless abyss.
TheAwesomeOne888 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I would wait until it was three in the morning, because he won't see it coming. I'll remove the bristle part of the broom and paint the stick part black for camoflauge ( I know I spelled that wrong ). I would then stick the stick-part of the broom into the bucket of modeling clay. It would probably be 3:15 by then, so I would go to my neighbors house with the bucket of modeling clay as my weapon. As he opens the door, I will knock him out using the bucket of modeling clay, take back what is rightfully mine, and leave the orange on my neighbor's table with a note apologizing for my behavior and then blaming it on alcohol.
LackadaisicalLeopah Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Goodness. That does sound tough.

I guess break the shaft of the broom in half so that it's sharp, and make grip on the shaft by wrapping clay around it. I would then throw the orange over his fence, and while he's distracted, take out the porcupine spikes with the brushy end of the broom. Then I'd hide until he gave up on finding me, run in, steal my lawn mower back, and drive it through his fence so it's trashed. Oops. I think then I'd block his poison by dropping clay on him, and then dropping down from a tree and bring my pointy broom end through his neck. Does that kill him? God, I hope so. His lemon souffles were godawful.
Cisety Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student General Artist
1st use the modelling clay to create a perfect replica of the orange. THEN invite the villain over, ask if he'd like an orange, (of course he'll say yes! he's evil and will wish to consume as many oranges as possible so that you don't get any! The fiend!). Once you've tricked him into a false sense of security sneak him the modelling clay orange! Unknowingly he shall eat the orange and it will lead to his end! ... of having white teeth! Horrified by his now disgustingly orange grin he will wish to retaliate with his fiendish powers but you now hold in your hand his ultimate weakness! The Broom! Oh woe is he for this is no ordinary broom! It is The Broom of Ultimate Everlasting Friendship and Cleanliness! Unlike ordinary brooms this one actually cleans for you, seriously, its awesome. Oh, and it also makes people super nice and want to befriend you, (there has been an awful lot of moral debate about this but you're the Hero and he totally stole your lawnmower so...). You whack him a couple times, for someone so evil he sure is slow, probably all those spikes and stuff, + villain = unable to hit anything ever. Wow, that was a quick fight. Your neighbour is now unconscious on the floor, evil drool tho, its probably like radioactive or something, thankfully you still have that broom. When he wakes up the broom's effect will kick in and now you have not only a new friend (who has an extra invite to the next super villain symposium that all your favourite villains will be at. Score!) but also eternal vengeance as his teeth will never be white again.

What I've learned from this: I can only write in 3rd person and I'd make an awful Hero XD
InternalThunder Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Okay, here's how the plan went out. I took an orange with me because I though I would be hungry, and then I sneaked into his house at 2:00am in the morning. I looked around the house to see where he kept my new lawn mower. His old house was just too much orange, so it was easy enough to get lost. After 30 minutes of going in the same direction, I manage to find my way to his basement. Thankfully, it wasn't orange, but it was sure smelling like grass. It look like he had a whole collection of lawn mowers he borrowed from people. I was shocked from all those lawn mowers, that I backed up a bit and crashed into his table of knifes. Which woke him up. So, I was panicking, and I hid in closet, full of sharp objects. He came downstairs into the basement, looking around with a flashlight. I was in so much pain, I did little cries of pain. So he didn't see anything and thought he was dreaming. But my phone wasn't on vibrate, I left it on loud. Then he found me, in the closet. Now, he starts coming close to me with his wretched, poisonous arms and tries to touch me. But I quickly hit him with my bucket of modeling clay, and started running to his kitchen. In his kitchen, things look so melted and I think his back door doorknob was melted and it looked like it was melted not too long ago, so it was too hot to touch. So I went back, but his wind tunnel abdomen was blowing like crazy, almost blinding me. So I used my other sense and made a hammer using modeling clay. I used my body heat to harden it quickly enough. So I hit him in his nose and hammered his head. As soon as he was in pain, I ran back down stairs in the basement and grabbed my lawn mower. When I got back upstairs, he was staring at me with his eyes really red. It look like he was going to use a full blast laser eye beam attack, but I had a solution. I took out my orange and struck it hard with the broomstick. Making the pulp and juices splash around, his eyes started to burn hard, making his power weak and fragile. I got my lawn mower and ran out of the house, making it back at my home at 5:00am. But I should have been earlier, because my mom was really mad that I was out at 2:00am and I broke her broomstick after hitting the orange.
SpyderZT Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hehehe... when I've got a little more time... ;P
mysimpleme14 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Do we need to have pm?
Lewanut Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
I've been having horrible gastrointestinal problems since the beginning of the year. That's useful knowledge, when trying to defeat a horrible mutant neighbor with limited resources. The horrible mutations were specifically poison-filled arms (four of 'em), laser vision, a wind-tunnel stomach, and more spikes in his back than a party punch bowl. My limited resources? An orange, a bucket of modeling clay, and a broom. Not much to go on, but then again, neither was the port-a-potty he emptied out onto my lawn. And he'd never returned my lawnmower – the fiend! To begin my mission, I ate the orange.

Now, oranges are loaded with citric acid. Citric acid is known to provoke acid reflux. By the time my neighbor answered his front door, my stomach was churning. He only had time to pronounce the first syllable of “hello” before I drenched him with stomach acid. You may not know this, but your internal organs that routinely contain stomach acid are specifically reinforced to resist its strong acidity. It can, and will, burn when put against weaker flesh. My neighbor was discovering this the hard way, thrashing about in pain.

I walked over to my stolen lawnmower, which was conveniently nearby, and used the modeling clay to set a catch for the brake. Making sure the brake was engaged, I turned the riding mower on at full power. With gentle (and not-so gentle) prods from my broom, the convulsing neighbor back into the lawnmower, sticking himself through the seat via his spikes and inadvertently pushing the brake into the off position. The clay caught the brake, trapping it permanently in off, and the lawnmower sped away into the night, carrying my unfortunate neighbor along with it. A new lawnmower was a small price to pay to finally have peace here in my home alongside the canyon.


I might eventually post a deviation of this, after I've edited it for quality. There's no way I can bang out a full finished polished story in one week, which is why I'm posting this version here in this comment. I really have been having problems with acid reflux, but I've never weaponized it (and I'm certainly not eating any oranges).
Cisety Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Student General Artist
I like this o:
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