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Submitted on
May 30, 2013
Submitted with Writer


13 (who?)

Thursday: Battle On!

Thu May 30, 2013, 2:49 PM

We're nearing the end of the month already! :wow: Time really flies.

This week, we're calling on all Premium Members who are also secret agents, especially trained in various combat styles. We have a special assignment for you! :ninja:

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to defeat your evil next-door neighbor. He isn't just any ol' neighbor -- this man has laser-shooting eyes, a wind tunnel in his abdomen, four arms loaded with deadly poison, and porcupine-like spikes protruding from his back. And he hasn't given you back your lawn mower you lent him a month ago! :omfg:

Not to worry! You have your trusty three weapons with you, which are:

:bulletred: A bucket of modeling clay
:bulletred: An orange
:bulletred: A broom

Using these three items, how would you take down your opponent? Be creative and tell us your heroic tale!

Either write your story as a comment to this journal or post it as a literature deviation and link it in the comments below. Any length is fine!

We'll pick three winners who will receive a one-year Premium Membership! Winners will be chosen based on inclusion of the three items, creativity, and ingenuity. All entries must be in by Tuesday, June 4th at 11:59 PM Los Angeles, CA, time.

You've finally had enough of the laser-holes in your apartment and porcupine spines in the lawn, and it's time to take on your neighbor head-to-head. What do you do? How does the battle go down?! We want to know!

Add a Comment:
minnichi Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Okay... I've literally discovered this less than two hours before the deadline. But hey, I like writing! pressure. Dunno where this is gonna go, but here goes! xD


Teachers often recognize even their laziest students for none other than creativity. When they stop to think of how interesting that wild homework-excuse story was, for example, they realize that this kid's actually capable of coming up with some brilliant ideas. Just not at the right place, and not at the right time.

My excuse - which brought back almost as much praise for creativity as punishment, mind you - was: "My evil, wind tunnel-bellied, porcupine-backed neighbor disintegrated my homework with his eye-laser beams."

There's kind of a problem with all that praise I got, you know. Fun fact: I'm not creative at all. If I were, then I wouldn't be sitting up in my cramped, smelly apartment, grumbling grouchy gibberish under my breath like my grandma as I yank out 5 more cursed needles that got tangled into my hair. My hair itself wouldn't look like the atomic bomb of fashion disasters, with random portions of it singed short with grey, decaying patches while other portions are long, sleek black and kind of resemble what it used to look like. All my shirts wouldn't look like gangly fishnets with the amount of holes they've gathered. Finally, my homework wouldn't be a pitiful pile of ashes.

Oh, and of course: I wouldn't have an evil, eye-laser-shooting, wind tunnel-bellied, porcupine-backed neighbor if I were actually creative. Wish I could actually say that I came up with that one myself, but... Surprise, he's real!

Not that it matters to anyone else. I know you'll just see the same thing as my professors, too, if you come across me. I'm apparently that girl who annoyingly makes a point of being "unique" at school. Seriously, isn't she trying a *little* too hard with that whole patchy-hair, fishnet-shirt look? But gotta admit, she's pretty creative. Haven't you heard some of her stories?

(Sigh) Well alright, I'll tell you my darn story. I am a warrior. A survivor. A victim of the greatest crime ever to be committed against front-door lawns: the theft of a lawn mower. And nobody knows.

...Until today.

I've had enough enough hair burnt off by flying acidic poison. I've had more splinters than I can count in a lifetime. And god dangit, I want to know how it feels to wear a wholesome shirt again! I feel like a hobo - a psycho-looking one at that. And it's all thanks to my wonderful, four-armed neighbor. He's just gotta go.

He took everything from me. Slowly and gradually over the years, he reduced not only my apartment to a freakish alien of society, but me as well. I don't really remember when he moved in, only that everything started turning ugly when he did. Like how none of the squirrels and birds that used to hang around ever came back. (Some of them fell on me while I was walking to school, actually, during his target practice.) Or how more and more rain would leak into my room every time it stormed, due to the growing number of holes in the wall. And finally, my transformation into the weird-fashion-gone-horribly-wrong girl at school.

That guy does it all just to mess with me. He's pure evil.

The lawn mower was the last straw. My grass felt like the last thing I could still keep beautiful in my life, the last simple thing that I could make nice and attractive, with just a clean trim. And then porcupine-back somehow convinced another idiot neighbor of mine one day that I was okay with lending him the lawn mower.

Okay, so he can technically kill me anytime with one belly-thrust of a wind tunnel. Or just a bit of poison coming into contact with my skin. But I don't care anymore. He's going down. I want my trimmed grass back - well, and all of those other things in my life that turned ugly. Anyway, he's going down.


Gah, I have too much of a bad habit of rambling introductions!!! I'm out of time and the battle was just about to begin T_T But I had so much fun writing just this much...thought I might as well post it anyway, even if it doesn't count. I think I'll just finish the rest for the heck of it, it was such a good prompt. Good luck to everyone who got their entries done in time! :)
minnichi Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
(Finishing the story anyway, just so that it doesn't end up randomly cut off ^^")

How exactly am I going to do this? Well, uh... There's this bucket of squishy-looking modeling clay that somehow survived all the laser attacks in my apartment. A rotten orange that I forgot about in the fridge. And that old broom I use to sweep out all the debris that gathers every time he lasers off more chunks of my apartment.

That's seriously all I have left. Okay, so the situation's a lot worse than I thought. I glance back down at huge blob of modeling clay resting in its bucket. Why do I even have that thing again? Oh, art professor found a better brand of clay and decided to offer her supply of old stuff to me - you know, after hearing about how oh-so-creative I was and encouraging me to try exploring my artistic interests more. Right.

Actually, I've got an idea now. If it's 'creativity' everyone wants, then fine. It's creativity they'll get.


What porcupine-back sees on the internet several weeks later is the new viral character taking over himself. Or rather, an extremely ridiculous, comical version of himself that no one could ever take seriously. His round, wind-tunnel belly is made out of the moldy, rotting remains of an orange, with the biggest patch of fuzzy mold marking where the tunnel is. His four, noodle-y arms of modeling clay look so stupid the way they flop about, along with his short, pudgy legs. And his face - oh, his face. It's perfectly atrocious the way the bristles of a broom have been arranged into very unattractive facial hair, sticking out of the modeling clay like wilted weeds. The clay-face itself is so contorted, so hideous... The fans just love it. After all, it shares the same, attention-grabbing magic as the legendary Troll Face.

He's become an internet star. And his first reaction? Storming into my apartment for the very first time in his life. Because evil people *always* have huge, incurable egos that they value with their lives - and because villains never go face-to-face with you until the very end, when you finally get under their skin.

"I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT!" The raging scream echoes throughout the apartment complex, almost rattling the walls with its volume.

I can see myself being lasered to death any second, but I somehow find the courage to speak. "What're you gonna do about it?" I wish I were actually confident as I sounded, but hopefully he bought it.

"FIX IT!" yells porcupine-back, pointing viciously at the laptop sitting a few feet away from me.

"Or what?"

"I'll kill you!"

Gotta keep calm. Not sure how much longer he can hold back his lasers. I take a deep breath and reply boldly, "But if you kill me, how can it ever be undone? I won't be alive anymore to create another, even better viral character that the fans can like more than you, and you'll just be a timeless legend...forever...and ever..." I can't help wanting to laugh as the horror contorts his face. "Tell ya what. I'll stop posting deviations of this work (altered versions of the same rotten-orange creature in my case), and I'll discourage all of its fanart from now on. I'll try my best to create another 'fad' that could distract the fans instead. But only if you agree to one thing."

He narrows his laser-eyes at me. "Oh?"

"Give me my lawn mower back."

Porcupine-back snorts. Apparently my demands ended up being a lot less than he expected. He shrugs as all four arms lift slightly into the air. "Sure, have your little rusty hunk of metal back. But you *will* fix this."

I smile pleasantly. "That's the plan! And here, I'll even give you my current artwork so that you can make sure I never use it again." I reach out to him with none other than the viral, rotten creation in my palm.

He leans closer to it for a moment before reaching out one of his own hands, as if he still can't believe anyone would create something so hideous and disgraceful to represent him.

Right when he's close enough, however, I slam the whole thing - mold, squishy clay, broom bristles and all - right into his face. More specifically, right into his eyes. Because heck no, my lawn mower's not enough for me anymore. This guy's going down.

Porcupine-back screams out in agony (I guess the colonies of bacteria that gathered on the orange for so long really must sting) as he staggers backwards, too disoriented from the unexpected pain to think about anything else for a moment. Taking a daring leap of faith - literally and mentally - I use that fleeting moment of time to tackle him straight to the ground. I don't have any time to feel my body hitting the floor after his. I have to force myself back to my feet and run for my life as soon as he's down. Because the acid-poison starts shooting in all directions in no time. I barely jump behind my side-turned apartment table in time (which I already set up purposely beforehand as a shield) and curl up like a small child as his rage continues to wreck havoc upon the room. Then I hear the deafening howl that marks the release of a wind tunnel, and I'm positive that I'll die. The crash of the air doesn't strike my little table-shield though. It tears a hole through the ceiling instead.

...No way. It worked?

I slowly peer past the edge of my shield when Porcupine-back eventually grows too tired to continue shooting more wind tunnels at the sky. Sure enough, he's been lying flat on his back this entire time. Because the moment I tackled him to the ground, his spikes got stuck in my floor. He's blinded by rotten orange, and he looks quite useless the way he is right now. Something I'd never thought possible.

Well, I won't elaborate on the details of how I finish off this abominable neighbor, though it may have involved a leftover metal bucket and broomstick. He's not coming back - let's just keep it at that. But I suddenly have my whole normal life back, and it even comes with a lawn mower. I guess all it takes to win a fight is a little bit of wit, and... Huh. Maybe I'm more creative than I thought.

"And that's the story of how Minnichi became a deviant artist."


Okay, that turned so random XD But well, that was fun.
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Entry: [link]
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Lolz, and you said I was tough competition? ;) Very nice, I think you're definitely in the running to become one of the three winners. Good luck! :)
GameMasterKyro Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I still think yours is good enough to do the same!
KaraValmeyjar Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, am keeping my fingers crossed for the both of us :)
StarfallenWolf Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yay! I finished my story! Hope you like : [link]

zightie Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013   General Artist
Decided to enter. :giggle:
PrincessSkyler Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i would do this but 1 i am too lazy 2 not a member soooooooooooooooooooooooo idk.

p.s my neighbor is bowser *shot*
Darqx Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You'd think that a neighbour with laser-shooting eyes, a wind tunnel in his abdomen, four arms loaded with deadly poison, and porcupine-like spikes protruding from his back would warrant some kind of a SWAT team or the guys from Area 51 or at least an army from every country beating down his door, but not in this neighbourhood. See, over here that kind of thing is more or less normal.

Because almost everybody that lives here is a super villain. If you're not, well you either got used to it very fast or you moved out...very fast.

Anyway when you live amongst these guys long enough you learn strategies to cope with their eccentricities. Take my aforementioned next door neighbour for example. The dude's had my lawnmower for a month (you do not say no to these people sometimes) and doesnt seem inclined to give it back. Others might run in guns-ablaze in such a situation - seen it happen just a block away, in fact - but me? I know when i'm severely outmatched in the weapons department - all i've got on hand at the moment is a bucket of modelling clay, an orange, and a broom.

So like i said you learn strategies. And the most common factor about most evil super villains is that they have an ego the size and depth of the Java trench. Good thing i've got a big bucket of modelling clay. And this broom will come in handy for the base structure. The orange can add a bit of colour and texture.

It took me a couple of days of work and the courage to politely knock on his door, but my neighbour was all too happy to swap my lawnmower for my almost life-size creation.

After all, what super villain could ever resist a sculpture of themselves to put out in the garden?

I give it a week before someone else gets aggravated and destroys it, prompting an all out war and another house going up for sale.
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